My life. Told as it's lived.
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Monday, February 11, 2008
5:32PM
Wow. I've had this journal for about 7 years, & looking back in the archives, my life just gets more boring. God...I need some substance in my life!
Current mood:  bored
5:27PM
God...I get so irritated with irresponsible people! One thing that annoys the living shit out of me about Bryan, is how I'm NEVER able to talk to him about important issues, like our finances. Stress, stress, & more stress right now. I feel like I'm going to pull my damn hair out of my head. He can be such a damn baby sometimes. I think that's about all I'm going to say about that, or I'm going to get myself even more pissed off.
Current mood:  irritated
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I was up just playing on the computer till 4 in the morning. Lily didn't go to sleep till almost midnight, & I guess I got preoccupied. I forgot how involved I got when I had my last computer - I just hope I don't make staying on it that long a daily habit.
I looked at Myspace last night, & found so many damn people that I forgot all about. Friends that I've grown out of touch with because of life's circumstances, & people that I had gone to school with. I'm in the process of making a Myspace page, but I need to get myself a scanner so I can scan some pictures. I also noticed that Tabi had a page too. Why she's using her senior picture from high school is beyond me, but she has one. I get so pissed off when I think about that damn situation with her. I guess Candice & Levi had run into her a month ago at the mall & she's still involved with that prick Jeremy. I'm sure he's using her for everything she's got, & I wish she just had the ability to get out of that situation. She asked about Bryan & I, then said that she didn't care anyway, but WHY would you ask about a person if you didn't care? I'm so concerned about her, even though I really shouldn't be these days, that I noticed that her sister Tonya had a Myspace account, & I'm half-tempted to get a hold of her just to see how she's doing. I guess I'm just one of those people that just can't help worrying or caring about someone, even if we had a nasty falling out.
It's rather amazing how sheltered I have made myself since being married, & having kids. It's not as if it were a personal choice, it's just I'm too busy for crap anymore. I miss my friends...I miss going out sometimes. I miss Faith. I miss Robin...and of course. Tabi. I miss having that personal time to myself that I never seem to get anymore. I love the drive that I take every morning to drop Lily off at Bryan's mom's before work. It gives me some of that personal time, but that's about all that I get. I'm not complaining because I love my family & everything, but I almost get to the point were Bryan's been even getting on my nerves. I love him & everything, but I just haven't been feeling like I usually do. God forbid the word "sex" is brought up, & I'm not even sure if that's a pregnancy-thing. I don't really know what my deal is lately. It's not Bryan, I know that, I just feel like I'm in this slump right now, that's all. I'm sure I'll be able to pull out of it soon.
Thank God this child is going to be out soon. Everyone at work marvels at the fact that I am still working & I only have days before I deliver. I guess I'm just a lot tougher than people give me credit for. It'll be nice to see my damn feet again, & tie my shoes without being assisted. To be able to roll out of bed without feeling like Humpty Dumpty. It'll be worth the pain of recovery. I don't care if they cut me open. I want my body back to myself again. Only a few days...
Current mood: bored
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Cian, (Bryan's cousin) finally got my Internet set up on the computer that Bryan got me for Christmas, so now I can start typing in my journal again. I'm in my bedroom right now, trying to get Lily to sleep. Candice is staying here for the time being because Levi got busted shoplifting, something I knew would happen, & he's spending 45 days in jail. He needs to get his act together BIG TIME, & start taking care of his family.
I'm scheduled to have my c-section on Valentine's Day, which is 5 days from now. I'm ready. This pregnancy has been harder on me than Lily was, & I can't wait for it to be over. We decided that we were going to name her Jenavieve Rose instead of Jessica. But I'm going to try to get Lily to sleep, so I'll type more tomorrow.
Current mood:  calm
Saturday, October 27, 2007
So it's been a very long time since I have typed in my journal. Well, with as complicated, & busy as life has been, I seldom have time to even sit down, & enjoy a movie. But I need some "release therapy", & my journal is something that has always given me this, so I'm going to make an obligation to type in you at least once a week - that's my goal, but I want it to be more. It will be more convenient I easier to do once we have our computer. Bryan's going to sell the iguana & we're going to get a new computer & desk for that corner instead; but with Christmas coming up, Bryan needing to get the rest of his equipment for work, financing the Mountaineer, & the new baby coming in Feb., (Which is another little girl by the way, & we're going to be naming her Jessica Lynn...wait. I think it's been so long typing in this, that I haven't even announced that I was even pregnant - so yeah. We're having another baby girl due in Feb.) we're probably not going to be able to get one for a little longer, but I have a pretty good feeling that Bryan's going to be getting me one for Christmas. It'll be nice. I miss typing in my journal. Life has been so unbelievably stressful. It never seems as though I have time for myself. I get up at 4:45 every morning, get Lily ready to go out to Millie's, drive clear the Hell out there, then go to work being 6 mths. pregnant, get off work, get Lily, go home, & wait for my husband to get off work, which usually isn't until around 6, or sometimes, 7. By then, I try to get into bed, but I get so caught up doing things I need to do, or spending time with my family because I don't get to spend enough time with them, that I stay up till 11 or so. The stress has caused my depression to come back a bit, & sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind with the lack of understanding sometimes from Bryan. But we're both stessed, & we both have stuff going on. Bryan's running his business, & we can't even keep up on the house because we're both so busy, & I'm busy taking care of Lily, that it's just hard you know? Then we've been arguing a lot because we're both so busy, & so stressed, that we don't even have time to enjoy each other. We haven't even been having sex, because it gets late, & I'm too tired, & don't feel like it. The stress has really been hurting us, but Bryan just said tonight that he loved me, & wanted us to continue being a strong family. I just haven't been feeling like doing anything - I have no energy from just going, & going, & being pregnant. It really does take a toll on you.
Bryan's sister wants to have a pumpkin-carving party tomorrow at her house, but there's nowhere for Lily to go to sleep, & I have to go to work the following day, so I don't know how we're going to work that. Lily's going as a mouse for Halloween this year. My mom made her a really cute costume. But I think I'm going to go visit with my family, & I need to get my daughter home & get her bathed & to bed, but you'll be hearing from me again real soon.
Current mood:  stressed
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Hey there. Life is so busy, that I never have time to type, & if I do, I usually will just stare at the computer screen then find something else to do online. Not really into this "online Journaling thing" anymore, let alone journaling at all. I've just been incredibly busy - working, raising almost a ten month old, being a wife. But things have been good. Set aside the fact that I never do have time for sleep, friends, or for myself, it's been okay. Bryan's out fishing with my dad right now. I get to where I miss my friends sometimes. It's been a while since I've even taken some time out to catch up with Musetta. I've been wanting to have a movie night with Lindsay; so watch all of our faves from when we were kids, (All of which I have on DVD) but I never seem to have the time. I E-mailed Tabi a few days back, because I have been wondering how she is doing. I do miss Tabi - it's such a shame how things ended the way they did. I'm hoping that I do get a response back, because I do hope she is doing well, & that she did get that asshole out of her life. I wish her only the best. In other news, Adam got married last month. Yeah- shocking, being he really never struck me as the marrying type. He married someone that was about 25 years his senior. (I'm not really going to comment on that, but whatever floats your boat.) He dropped Angel for this woman I guess. Leave it to Adam - he's always been the "love 'em & leave 'em type." Bev moved back here to Casper, & I have spoken to her a few times on the phone. She's caught up in a really bad relationship right now. I hope she has gotten herself out of it.
In Candice & Levi news? It has been months since we have last spoken to them. From what I have heard from Faith, Candice & Levi have cut the sheets, & Candice is living with her mom, & Levi, has gotten heavily into cocaine, & is dealing bad stuff. To each is own, & guess. I've got my own life to care about right now. Lily is going good as always. I love my little girl. She seemed a bit fussy for the passed few days, but I think it's because she had a bad reaction to this turburculous shot she had at the doctor. She's doing a lot better now. My mom irritates me. It always seems as though Millie can never get enough of Lily, but my mom spends time with her for maybe two minutes & tells me to take care of her. It's ridiculous. It gets to where it upsets Bryan & I. But I'm going to go entertain my daughter. Can't promise when the next time It'll be I'm on.
Current mood: calm
Friday, March 2, 2007
Life has it's ups & downs. For the most part lately, they have had their ups. Adam's mom Bev just moved back to Wyoming from New Mexico. She has cancer, & her liver is failing her. I've been contemplating death a lot, & I visit the cemetary sometimes. Whatever it is that comes of the curiosity of being here one minute, then being gone the next...I don't know. I was walking through the cemetary the other day, looking at the dates on headstones, & the names. I came across a board lying on the ground. As I came closer, I came to realize that it was a hole. Curiosity got to me, & I bent down to lift up the corner of the board to look beneath it. Beneath it was a deep, cold hole in the ground - awaiting the person that would make it their eternal home. All it did was give me the creeps, as I hastefully walked back to my car. The depth of the hole - the roots from close trees that were coming through the walls of the plot...just gave me a chill. Why I think about our mortality so much anymore? I guess it all started when I had my daughter.
I have never held something so important to my heart in my entire 26 years that I have been on this earth. She is my soul purpose for living, & when I think back to some of the foolish things that I almost went through with, I just think back to her. She is my foundation, my whole source of life. She gives my life so much depth, so much meaning...I think the saddest thing that can ever come to be, is the death of a baby. I cry when I see pictures of babies that have passed, or hear of babies dying. I have so much heart when it comes to children anymore, more than ever before. In the cemetary, there is this little grave with a picture of a baby sleeping in it. The baby's name is Jonothon Daniel. He only lived a short time, like a month or so in 2003. I never see flowers or anything on his grave. It makes me sad for the baby, & it appears so lonely. I keep telling myself that I'm going to place some flowers on the little boy's grave. The point of the matter is, when I think about death, it is the last thing that I want out of life. My life is so full now, that I want to live, & live, & live some more. I think back to just three years ago, I was such a mental mess, & so bruised, & hurting from life, that I thought about ending it all the time. I fantasized about it. When my parents hurt me, I threatened them with it, as a cry for help. I remember sitting on the side of my mom's bed contemplating the pistol that lay underneath my dad's bed. Just thinking, "It would only take one moment & I would be free." But the truth of the matter is, that I am very glad that I never fell through with anything. My life is full to the brim. I guess that's why I don't need this journal that much anymore, why I don't turn to it to let out some of my skeletons. There are no more. They left long ago. All that I have now, is a full life, full of love, & happiness.
Current mood:  contemplative
Saturday, February 10, 2007
I know it's probably very surprising to see an entry from me, (Hell it surprises me that I'm typing an entry) but I thought that I'd just type something short & sweet before going home.
Things are going good as always - Lily is getting bigger, & bigger everyday, & at the moment, she's teething. She says da-da, which is wonderful, & I think any time she'll be crawling. She's now six months. Bryan is still at ATI making good money, but wants to start his own business. I'm going to Colorado Springs in March for Musetta's wedding, & will be going through Denver, so I'll get to spend a little time with Sarah. But I need to head home - I promise I'll start typing more when I find the time.
Current mood: rushed
Friday, October 6, 2006
I'm still around...I've just been kind of burnt out on the whole "journal" thing. Not too much going on. Bryan & I are moving into a much nicer place at the beginning of November - Casper Village. 2 bedroom, 2 bath. Huge place, & only $50 more than what we're paying now. My daughter is doing great. She's all smiles anymore. She had to get her shots last week though, which was hard, but she needed them. I went out with Amanda W. last weekend for the first time out with a friend in over a year, & I learned one major thing - I do not find drinking fun whatsoever these days. We went to the Wonder Bar & saw the Men of Las Vegas, which was fun, but the whole drunk/hangover bit? Screw that. I no longer want alcohol as a part of my life. And the oddest thing? Bryan was actually the one that watched the baby that night, & came & picked my drunk ass up. I didn't enjoy it at all. And alcohol makes you do the stupidest things. I ended up calling Tabi & leaving a message on her voice mail, & I really hope that I left it on Musetta's, because I think I may have dialed her number by mistake. I hope so - I do not consider Tabi a friend anymore after the crap she did, so I really HOPE I didn't call her. Also, my brother is coming home for Christmas. Very excited about that. But, Bryan's going to be here at any time, so I'll type more another time. And by the way...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SARAH!
Current mood: calm
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Been a long time since I typed in this. Just been so busy with work, & raising a baby. Work has been fine. I came back, & it's like I didn't miss a beat. They gave me about a dollar raise which is nice, so Bryan & I even have more extra money. It's so nice being able to buy pretty much whatever we want. I only have another $600 or so to pay on my car, so I'll be able to buy something new soon. We still have our 46" TV & surround sound that we have to pay off, but other than that, just the norm of living expenses. We are dying to get out of our apartment. Bryan & I have noticed these huge brown spiders in our place, but didn't really think much of it; just killed them, but the one that we saw in the bathroom...holy shit. The thing was huge. So I did my research on the Internet, & discovered that it was what is called a hobo spider. They are poisonous, so we're going to talk to the landlord about resolving the problem. I also saw a black widow in the damn place. We just want out. We are getting too many things, so the apartment is getting too small the accompany everything. We're waiting for a three bedroom apartment to open up at Quail Run. Their places are really nice. We want the third bedroom for our computer/iguana/games room, & other miscellaneous things. We're just sick of our place already. But things are going well. Baby's healthy, smiles more everyday. Still talk to Faith, Amanda W., & a few of my other friends, but life has just been so busy. But I need to get going - type more when I have the time.
Current mood:  busy
Friday, September 8, 2006
I'm waiting for Bryan to show up here at my parent's, so I thought that I would kill some time.
So how are things going...they're going all right. Lily's growing a lot - she's now 10 lbs., 9 oz., & 22 inches. I go back to work on Monday, & Debbie mentioned that I'll be making more, so I'm looking forward to seeing what my pay increase is. Bryan got registered for spring semester for school. He's nervous, but I know that he'll do well. We ended up going to Lusk last week for his cousin's funeral. He was about 49, & died of some strange kidney disease of some sort. Bryan didn't know him very well. It was open casket, & Bryan has never really seen a dead person, so I think this kind of weirded him out. I got to see where Bryan grew up, so it was kind of neat going there. It was also the baby's first road trip.
I'm looking forward to going back to work, & having a full paycheck, & having some diversity in my day. I'm happy that Millie will be watching Lily - it's nice when you don't have to take your kid to daycare & worry how they're taking care of your child. Millie adores her, so I definitely didn't have to pull teeth to get her to baby-sit while I was at work. It does depress me however, being away from her for so many hours in the day, but I've got to work. It's amazing how much she's been developing. She's all smiles anymore, & her facial expressions are so cute. I love my daughter very much - she brings a lot of joy to my life. I went to my postpartum checkup today at my doctor. Got put on some birth control. I find it kind of odd that he didn't look at my incision to see how it was doing, & I don't know why I didn't think to say anything either.
Motherhood has been a wonderful job so far. It's a lot of work, but it's completely worth it. Hopefully, when I have my next one in the next FEW years, it'll be a boy. I'm very happy that God blessed me with such a beautiful, healthy little girl. She is my heart.
Current mood:  excited
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
5:25PM
Lily is officially one month old today. :)
Current mood: proud
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I got an e-mail from Lindsay. Hopefully, she'll be coming over this weekend. She visited me in the hospital when I had Lily, & brought a unicorn stuffed animal for old times sake. Here's the e-mail she sent me:
Hey mom!
I have been meaning to come over and see you and the baby, but I have had a cold for over a week now. Its finally going away, but I didn't want to get the baby or you sick. I am off until Monday so I will give you a call in the next couple of days. Maybe we can get together Saturday or sunday. We will figure something out!
Talk to you soon!
Lindsay
I'm still waiting for my bud Amanda G's reply so I can bring the baby over there. I miss Amanda- I'd like to spend more time with her too.
I took the baby over to Candice & Levi's the other day, because Levi hadn't seen her. Spent a little bit of time with them. It was funny, because Levi kept telling Mason that Candice gave birth, & that Lily was now his new little sister. He was getting so mad, but Candice soon told him she was mine. It was still kind of funny though.
Musetta came over with her mom to see the baby a few days ago. It's a bummer that she had to go back to Colorado Springs the following day because it never seems like we get to spend very much time with her. Faith & Chris are coming over for game-night tomorrow, & I'm looking forward to it. Seems like forever since I last hung out with friends. But I need to get going, hope everything is going well with everybody.
Current mood: rushed
7:14PM
I miss Sarah...:(
Current mood: crushed
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Yay! I got my job back! Went up there to show everyone the baby, & not only was everyone happy to see me, but Debbie asked me to come back! I'll probably come back on Monday, because Millie is totally up for babysitting, & said she'd even come into town to get her. I'm going to alternate between my mom & Millie. Debbie's happy I'm coming back, & Craig's quitting! Yay! I talked to JD for a few, & talked to Debbie for a while. I get my longevity back, my sick/personal time... I think they really appreciate me now...
Current mood: happy
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Musetta's in town, & is coming by the apartment to see my place & my baby. She's up here to visit from Colorado Springs. We're both very excited to see each other. I need to get back to the apartment & clean it. Lily's at Millie's right now. She has gained so much weight, which makes me happy. She's about 2 1/2 weeks old now, & her birth weight was 7 lbs., 15 oz., & how she's 9 lbs., 1 1/2 oz. Her cheeks are starting to get so chubby! Everything is going fine, except for a slight argument Bryan & I got into a few days ago, & my incision is infected, but they gave me some antibiotics, & everything's fine between Bryan & I now. Plan on going antelope hunting with my dad sometime this week. Look forward to this every year. But I really need to get home & clean. Type more possibly later.
Current mood: excited
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I want to thank everyone that left a nice comment about my daughter. She has brought my heart full of joy...& lack of sleep.
Musetta's mom also sent me an e-mail as well. Here's what she had to say:
Dear Jaime,
Lily is adorable, what a cute little baby girl! Congratulations sweetie! I will call Musetta and let her know. God Bless you and your precious little Lily!
Kris Green
Ugh. That's another person that I forgot to call. Musetta. I hope a lot of my friends aren't mad at me for not getting a hold of them sooner. Just so much has been going on, that's things have been kind of overwhelming.
I look forward to when Bryan comes home every day, because I have not been able to get anything done. She has not been sleeping a lot, so it makes it so hard just to clean my apartment. I am yet to take a shower today because I've been so preoccupied. I'm just over at my mom's to do some laundry, then I need to go home. Bryan made dinner, & he said it would be ready in ten minutes. I have been healing rather nicely, & getting to where I can move around a lot more freely. I have problems on my right side though, where I feel like something is being pulled, but I'm sure that will pass with time. I have my doctor's appointment in about a week, & I'm making sure to get put on the shot to avoid another pregnancy for a while. Bryan & I plan on having at least one more, but not for at least 2-3 years. Lily is well enough to handle for the time being. Plus, there's just so many other things going on right now, & Bryan has to get enrolled up at the college pretty soon. I'm so proud of him. I know I say that all of the time, but I am.
Bryan & I took the baby up to Walmart again last night, & I ran into Amanda W. She was upset that I had forgotten to call her, & I cannot believe of all people, I forgot to call Amanda. I felt terrible. Everyone says that Lily looks a lot like me, but she's got Bryan's coloring. I compared a picture of me when I was born to her, & it's creepy how much we look alike. Guess I have really strong genes. But I got to get going - Bryan doesn't like to eat without me, but I'll probably be over here tomorrow. Hope everyone is doing well, & hopefully, I'll get some better sleep tonight.
Current mood: rushed
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
Been a long time since I actually typed an entry, & since the baby is sleeping right now, & I have a little bit of time before I have to give my Bryan a call, I thought I'd type just a little.
As you probably noticed from my previous entry, I had my baby. She is so beautiful, & you just cannot comprehend the love you have automatically for your children till you actually see them. She is the light of my life, & I love her very much. She looks a lot like me when I was a baby, but she has Bryan's coloring, & was born with a full set of dark hair, like her father. Taking care of a newborn baby has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my lifetime. I am breast feeding, so the demands that she has a little more than a bottle-fed baby, but I am happy that I am producing enough milk, & both Lily & I, are doing it well. Bryan & I took her to Walmart grocery shopping last night, & I felt so proud. Bryan was strutting around & he asked me if he was being odvious. But who cares. I started to think yesterday that I was getting a little bit of postpartum depression, because I just started crying for no reason, & I've been feeling just "blah," kind of, like when I had depression. I am going to talk to my doctor & get put on something though before it gets bad. In reality, I am happier than I have ever been before, & I don't ever want to go back to being the depressed mess I used to be. I have an AWESOME husband, who loves me & my baby very much, & things just seem like they've been going our way.
My labor was a bit rough. I was up on the 2nd to be induced, & I ended up being in labor for 14 hrs. only dilating to 5 till they decided to wheel me in for a ceserean. I was disappointed to have one, but the baby was under stress from the medicine they put in my IV to help along the contractions, & she wasn't moving down into my birth canal, so it was the best. Dr. Vigneri did a wonderful job, & I have a very healthy, baby girl. I took her to the doctor today to get weighed, & she has gained 4 oz. I am happy. It has been stressful, but I'm enjoying it. I got a little break from her today though to run some erands. My mom watched her, & it was kind of nice. I also went over to Millie's the other day because she wanted to see her grand-baby, & I got some good sleep. Lily actually let me sleep quite a bit last night, but I'm sure that's all going to change. Happiness can't even explain what I feel for my daughter, & Bryan feels the same way. I have never seen him so happy in his whole life as I did the day our daughter was born. It's too bad Richard couldn't have been here to see her. Greg still doesn't understand why we don't want him being called grandpa, & apparently, Millie doesn't understand either, as she told my mom. I think that is shit, because we brought it up when she came over for dinner a while back, & she acted like she understood. Greg also came in the room while I was in labor, which I thought was VERY rude, because not only is he NOT my family, but I barely even know the guy, & I don't like him. I just thought that was rather distasteful. But, I'm going to go tend to my child. I will try to type more when I get the time. I am just so happy that she is finally here, & she is absolutely beautiful.
Current mood: happy
Hello everyone!
Just wanted to announce that I had my baby Aug. 2, 2006, at 9:03 P.M. via C-section. She weighed 7 lbs. 15 oz., & was 21 inches long. We named her Lily Anne-Marie Wilkison. Bryan & I are both very proud, & you can view her picture at the link I posted below:
http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=1U2I5B4O9B
More pictures to come! Post a comment if you want, & let me know what you think!
Love,
Jaime
Current mood: proud
Sunday, August 6, 2006
That would be so cool, if you had her on my birthday! I havent been doing much except working. I had to go to Salt Lake for a couple days of training. I dont really have any plans to do anything for my birthday either. Keep me informed when you deliver! I dont have to work till Tuesday at 3:00, so my cell phone should always be on. However if I dont answer it, its because my phone is a piece of shit, and I dont get any real good reception. Its good to hear from you, and I will be talking to you soon!
Love you too!
Lindsay
Current mood:  blank
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